Thank you Lord!!

This is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, with earth quakes in Haiti, and war in Afghanistan ... BUT in my little piece of the world ... It is big stuff!!!

I just took my last prednisone tablet. Thank The Lord! I got the side effects to that medication in a very strong way. It was a low dose as well. It didn't help with my medical problem either.

Hmph.

I still have 8 antibiotics tablets to take, they have not done anything for my side yet either.

Today, I have high hopes for working in my house, on my "to do list" from Monday. That is all I have for now. I was just so excited to be done w/that med, that I wanted to yell it from the top of my house!

Trying Day.

This was a torrid day. Very emotional. Very long. I did not touch my "to do list".

I had a very hard day w/my husband. We are in the process of moving across country. The two of us are living in our home here in Florida, and my Mother lives with us temporarily. She is helping us financially, they do not get along.

I wish that was all. My husband is a good man. He is also very confrontational, black & white, concrete, negative, pessimistic. Glass is definitely half empty. I know, I know - this does not make him sound like a good man, but he is, or we would not still be together. He is faithful, he doesn't go out drinking, running around, gambling, no ex wives with kids.... yada yada.

The problem we have is, I am a feeler, sensitive, overly giving & pleasing. I try to make mother and spouse both happy at the cost of my happiness. (not to mention emotional & physical health/well being). I don't know how to love them both, and stop trying to please them. They both are very able to tell me how they feel, the "truth" as they see it, never mind if it hurts me. I candy coat, and make nice and smooth over, to keep them & anyone & everyone from feeling hurt.

Today, I wanted to be single, I wanted a divorce. I told my husband I need him to be more feeling, more "forgiving". Not like I forgive you, but the other definition, like kinder, less accusing, less better than thou, and less know it all-ish. I love him, and when we are getting along it is very nice. I do know that LOVE is not always enough. I want to be right sometimes too. I want to make decisions - and if they are wrong - have the support of my husband to make it right again. I don't want to hear, "if you'd have done what I suggested" or "my way" or even the "I told you so". It will erode you away. It kills you from the inside out. Is it too much to want unconditional love. Does it exist?

I am emotionally exhausted. My cup is empty. I have prayed. I do not lose my faith in God - ever- those days have long been gone. I lose my faith in the people that are supposed to love us. I lose my hope of happiness in marriage, in the vows = for better or for worse, richer & poorer, in sickness & in health... till death do us part. I lose faith & hope that I have married the person that the Lord has picked out for me, did I pick for myself impatiently- not waiting for God?

The Lord will hear my prayer, and He will answer in His own time & way. I believe that God as my best in mind and will answer in a way that helps me back to the center of His will for my life.

Tomorrow is another day.

Monday: To Do List

Monday Jan 25, 2010

TO DO LIST

• Breakfast


• Clean Kitchen


• Clean out Fridge


• Dinning table


• Screens in front windows


• AC off, Windows open :0) (nice weather in Central Florida now)


• Master Bed room & Master Bath (in the process of moving across country, sleeping on fold out couch in Living Room = would like to sleep in Master Bed room tonight)


• Go for a nice walk


• Blog ... see if I did this stuff, or if I did anything at all...

We will see ... seems like a fine plan ... but my rut is pretty comfy ... will she budge ladies and gentlemen?

"The Invention of Lying"

Just watched the movie, and thought it was really cute. What if life was really like that? Maybe it would be easier if it was just black and white, no emotion. We would look for our "genetic match" in lieu of our "soul mate".

Then again, what would be the fun in that. I thought it was a inspiring, and thought provoking.

I enjoyed it.

Sunday At Home

Today has been a nice day for me. I went to my Aunts house to see my cousin & her two kids. They live 2-3 hours away, so when they come to town I only have a 5 minute drive. I gave them their belated Christmas money... at their ages, money rules, not toys.

It was really nice to see them.

My other Aunt is in the intensive care unit in her town. My mom has been talking to my Uncle keeping up on her status. She is OK. She has heart issues, and her pacemaker from what I gather did something - it knocked her to her knees ... and he called 911 to come. We are praying for them. There is no need for us to go to them right now. Nothing we can do but pray.

With all that is going on with the health of my Mother and her remaining siblings ... it lead me to begin the next paragraph.

I am thinking a lot today about what to do with my life. It is time to move forward. I have so many things that interest me, but I don't know what I want to do as a career / job for the remainder of my days.
The people closest to me are really no help when I talk to them about it. (Those people are my Mother & Husband) One is a Libra, the other a Scorpio... I am a Cancer. They tell me what they think I should do, but if I bring up my ideas for my life, there are always the "you don't wanna do that", "when are you going to have time to have kids, raise a family?" , comments.

So, I am trying to liberate myself with this blog series. I am not making any choices to hurt them. I am not making bad choices. I am going to start making choices that make me happy. I am gonna make a list of the things I like, love, enjoy doing... and try to figure out how to go about making a living doing it.

• Health Care: I've been a CNA, MA, Ultrasound Tech Assistant, Unit Clerk, Receptionist, Scheduler for Surgery... these are the ones I enjoyed -life happened and now I am unemployed.
• Crafts: Scrap booking, Card making, Calendar making, Gift wrapping sets W/matching cards.
• Photography

I like helping people, I have thought about going back to school to be anyone of the following:

• Counselor
• Psychiatrist
• RN, Nurse Practitioner
• Message therapist - Aroma therapy... etc...

I also would like to start a small business, if I cant do the other stuff. I am really ready to figure myself out. I wish I could afford to go away for a week, without my spouse & mother... and just be alone with myself and my thoughts. How does a person go about making this kind of life molding - life changing decision?

I am going to enjoy coming back to this later to see what I did finally decide to do. I am going to go for now, I will back later to make my "to do list" for Tomorrow - Monday January 25th 2010... we will have 11 months to Christmas...hmph.

Jan 23, 2010

Well, here I go! My first blog. This is the second productive thing I have done today, well 3rd if you count waking up. I made Scones for the first time today. From a mix, but I did add some nuts, and sugar/cinn on top. The turned out pretty good. My husband usually does all of the cooking in our home. He is a picky (understated) eater. So 9 years ago - after preparing a meal for him, that was really good - that he would not eat- I stopped cooking.

I am so excited to be doing this. I want to blog everyday. I keep a hand written diary, but I want to change it up. The diary doesn't let anyone say anything back to me. I am open to positive and negative input. (I already know that my spelling sux - so skip that one please).

I have put this off for about three weeks. I wanted to start the whole new year, resolutions, so on and so forth. Didn't.

I am having some weird lung issue, the doc I saw, said bronchitis, gave me antibiotics & prednisone.... So, I have never taken prednisone. It is making me crazy. The scones - those were therapeutic. I had to CHOP the nuts - the mix was THICK, I had to stir it very hard. The meds are making me ummm, irritable, hate filled, angry- I am just acting really mean & ugly. So starting this is the other therapeutic thing I am doing. Maybe some of you out there can give me tips on how to learn how to live. We will see.

As for now, that has been my day - and it is 7:15 pm. Very lame. I hope t look back at these bloggs, and see that my life has gotten more full, exciting, happy, larger than any life I ever imagined for my self.

I'll be back - if for no one but for me, myself & I

To Thine own self be true.