Trying Day.

This was a torrid day. Very emotional. Very long. I did not touch my "to do list".

I had a very hard day w/my husband. We are in the process of moving across country. The two of us are living in our home here in Florida, and my Mother lives with us temporarily. She is helping us financially, they do not get along.

I wish that was all. My husband is a good man. He is also very confrontational, black & white, concrete, negative, pessimistic. Glass is definitely half empty. I know, I know - this does not make him sound like a good man, but he is, or we would not still be together. He is faithful, he doesn't go out drinking, running around, gambling, no ex wives with kids.... yada yada.

The problem we have is, I am a feeler, sensitive, overly giving & pleasing. I try to make mother and spouse both happy at the cost of my happiness. (not to mention emotional & physical health/well being). I don't know how to love them both, and stop trying to please them. They both are very able to tell me how they feel, the "truth" as they see it, never mind if it hurts me. I candy coat, and make nice and smooth over, to keep them & anyone & everyone from feeling hurt.

Today, I wanted to be single, I wanted a divorce. I told my husband I need him to be more feeling, more "forgiving". Not like I forgive you, but the other definition, like kinder, less accusing, less better than thou, and less know it all-ish. I love him, and when we are getting along it is very nice. I do know that LOVE is not always enough. I want to be right sometimes too. I want to make decisions - and if they are wrong - have the support of my husband to make it right again. I don't want to hear, "if you'd have done what I suggested" or "my way" or even the "I told you so". It will erode you away. It kills you from the inside out. Is it too much to want unconditional love. Does it exist?

I am emotionally exhausted. My cup is empty. I have prayed. I do not lose my faith in God - ever- those days have long been gone. I lose my faith in the people that are supposed to love us. I lose my hope of happiness in marriage, in the vows = for better or for worse, richer & poorer, in sickness & in health... till death do us part. I lose faith & hope that I have married the person that the Lord has picked out for me, did I pick for myself impatiently- not waiting for God?

The Lord will hear my prayer, and He will answer in His own time & way. I believe that God as my best in mind and will answer in a way that helps me back to the center of His will for my life.

Tomorrow is another day.